Decisions

I've never been very good at making decisions. Which is why I make a lot of mistakes. I don't think my decisions through, I prefer to just leave it as late as possible to make a decision and hope that the situation dictates the decision I make. I guess this is kind of what's happened to me over the last week or so. The root stems longer than the last week, but I won't bore you with the details. It's much more beneficial to make you guess, to keep you reading. I've had to make a choice between 2 things, and for once just as I was swaying towards making a decision, it's not a decision anymore. One of the options has been removed from the equation. Sounds perfect for someone as indecisive as me, right? Wrong. The second option appears to be becoming more and more distant to me. And less appealing. But I can't have the first one it would appear. The classic case of wanting what you can't have, some would say. But this isn't the case. I was primed to pick option 1. All the pros and cons made sense. But life doesn't put everything on a plate for you, and at the risk of sounding like one of those "the world is against me" people, it never does for me. I may have learned a lesson from this about my decision making, or I may just take the Sheldon Cooper approach and carry a coin/dice to spin to make a decision for me, see how that works out for a while. At least then I couldn't blame myself.

Speaking of blaming myself, I have a lot of that to do at the minute. Apologies if you just fell off your chair, or spat your beverage all over the screen, but yes, you read correctly. The great 'Thomas "nothing is ever my fault" Pearson' taking responsibility for his actions. It's quite a rare, momentous occasion. In general. But in this particular situation. Most people I've chose to discuss the situation with seem to put me not at fault, so why am I putting myself at fault for a change? Well they're obviously going to be slightly biased. But I do see their point. But hey, if you can't accept responsibility at 20 year old, when can you? I've swallowed my pride, others should maybe follow suit.

Some of you may be familiar with the saying "regret nothing, because at one point it was what you wanted." I know what you're thinking, because I'm thinking the same. What a load of bollocks. How does this apply to words? 'At one point you wanted to say those words'. Yeah, fair point. But it doesn't mean you meant them, or the tone of voice. Do I regret my actions? Not very often. Do I regret my words? All the time. Right now, as I write this blog, I can envisage at some point in the near future I'm probably going to regret writing this blog. But I do it anyway. Again, me not thinking my decisions through. Classic. I have a few things to put right, due to ill-thought words spoken, which, yes, of course I regret. I have made this clear. But my apologies are yet to be accepted, and may never be. I really hope they are, sooner rather than later. How do you put something right then? Excuse the language, but I'll be fucked if I know. It seems like a very difficult task, but it will all be worthwhile. Me, I'd much prefer to sit back and hopefully let life surprise me by sorting it out for me for once, but I just don't see it happening. Looks like I'm flying solo on this one, and will have to put a lot of thought and effort into it.

A wise man once said "you can't change the past, but you can alter your future". I live by this saying, and it seems really relevant to my life right now. Not least because I was the wise man who said this. Ok, so someone probably said it before me. But so what, sue me. I can't change the past, no matter how much I wish I could, but hopefully I can change the future, as if I don't, it looks pretty bleak. Hell, not even a 2:1 in one of my exam/essays has been able to cheer me up. It's almost like the smallest ray of sunshine in a very dark tunnel right now. Of course when I say cheer me up, when people ask, "I'm fine yeah" or "nothing's the matter with me" because I like to conceal what actually runs through my head, and take solace in my blog. Once I start talking, I won't stop, and there aren't many people I feel comfortable enough with to contemplate talking about it. A few of you will probably guess though, and I'll feel forced into discussing. But I guess it's better than being forced into a corner, alone with your thoughts.

And that brings my complaints to an end for this particular entry, hope you all enjoyed reading again and welcome back my miserable ramblings with open arms.

Thomas